Thursday, June 26, 2014

Thoughts I Have on a Daily Basis

There are times when a post idea both scares the crap out of me and inspires me… This is one of them.  I am seriously chewing my fingernails while trying to get my crazy thoughts into semi-useful sentences.  The idea for this post first popped into my head during my drive to work one morning.  For the rest of the day, I pondered the idea and whether or not I had the strength to actually write and publish it.  I've learned through this whole blogging thing that honestly is a value that readers treasure.  However, as a fairly closed-off individual, sharing the thoughts that I have on a daily basis scares the crap out of me.

Some of you might be thinking, "Why the hell are you so afraid to share that?  Your thoughts can't be that bad, right?"  To better explain my reservations for this post, let me rephrase my title a little bit.  Let's instead refer to my 'thoughts' as 'worries', because that's what they truly are.  As a self-titled 'worry-wart', I have the tendency to stress about a lot of things.  Many of them don't deserve my time.

I think a large part has to do with the confidence I have in myself.  I've always wanted to think that I was one of those people who oozed confidence and courage, but I'm simply just not one of them.  I constantly worry about things that, to be 110% honest, are not worth it.  You know how easy that is to say, though?  I've been told by so many people that some of the stuff I worry about shouldn't take my time, but what am I supposed to do? Shut off my brain?  Try telling me that when I'm worrying about something at 2am…  No filter Lizzy will tell you exactly what she thinks.

To start it off, let's begin with the worries I have about myself.  Thanks to our wonderful society, I've joined the ranks as someone who worries way too much about her weight.  If you know me personally, I can literally feel you rolling your eyes at the screen.  Trust me, I know.  Let me explain for those who don't know me well: I'm 5' 2'' and I weigh 120 lb.  That's normal.  You know it's normal, I know it's normal, and there are countless scientific charts and graphs out there that say my weight is normal.  So why do I worry about it on a daily basis?

Until about one month ago, I also stressed about my make-up every morning.  I'd even redo it halfway through the day so people would never catch a glimpse of my natural face.  Realizing that I was starting to become too obsessed with 'putting on my face', I embarked on a 30 Day No Makeup Challenge.  I now wonder why I ever thought I needed to where that stuff to 8 a.m. class.

Another huge thing I worry about is what others think of me.  My mind is continuously reeling during daily conversations with people:

"Was that a weird thing to say?"
"Why are they looking at me like that?"
"Are they staring at the pimple on my forehead?"
"Wait, is there something in my teeth?"
"Do they actually want to be talking to me?"
"Am I being annoying?"
"Am I standing to close?"
"I wonder if my breath stinks…"
"Oh, they went to talk to her… I wonder if I did something wrong."

It's hard to have good communication when I'm worrying about every little thing I do.  There are times when the stress just gets too much and I can seriously feel myself shut down socially.  I believe a lot of introverts understand where I'm coming from with this.  When I'm continuously around people that make me feel less or insecure, I start to second guess a lot of things.  I put enough pressure on myself each day anyway, so when I add my worries to the pot, I get pretty darn close to self-detonation.  Those who work with me or are around me on a daily basis have probably experienced it.  I close myself off and crawl into my protective shell.  I get quiet, become stand-offish, and try to stay out of everyone's way.

Around this time is when I get that ugly question, "Are you okay?".  I've come to despise it and its totally untrue partner, "Yea, I'm fine."  The thing is, though, no one can get me out of that 'slump' other than my wonderful friend Mr. Time-Out and maybe a pep talk from my mom.  I've come to find the best medicine for my 'self-detonations' are five minutes of silence away from people and responsibilities.  Reading this last paragraph, I feel like a hermit who's complaining about going to the grocery store.  I really do like people and social gatherings, but let me put it this way: I use that five minutes (or 4 or 3) of silence to make sure I'm 100% right for communication.  Some may call it 'running away from your problems', but I'm just taking a detour before running back in to face them head-on.

To finalize this unconventional post, I'll share with you the other worry that crosses my mind every single day: "What am I doing tomorrow?"  I remember when I was younger I dreamt that I would wake up one morning as an adult (kind of like 13 Going on 30).  Now that I'm here I want nothing more than to go back to elementary school where everything was easy.  The future holds so many possibilities and uncertainties that I can feel the beginning of a panic attack just thinking about it.  At this moment in my life, I have no idea what I want to do.  NO CLUE.  I like my current internship in promotions and marketing, but I also love writing and journalism.  What about my dream of being a motivational speaker?  I have so many different ideas of things I think I'll like to do, but have no idea what I'll end up loving to do.  I'm so indecisive that it even takes me at least 10 minutes of self-debating on what to have for breakfast every morning.

Looking back over this post, I'm not completely sure what the actual point was.  You could say that the moral is to not let your worries get you down and beat you, but I'll be the first to say it's much easier said than actually practiced.  You may also choose to say I wrote this post for the sole purpose of being honest.  Like I said earlier, lifestyle blogging revolves around honesty.  I've found that most of my favorite blogs and Youtubers don't hide behind their screen, so I need to return the favor.  Not only am I being honest with you, but also myself.  I guess another explanation of this post could merely be that I wanted to get this off my chest.  As Victor Hugo wrote in his novel Les Misérables, "You ask me what forces me to speak? A strange thing; my conscience."  I don't always understand what forces me to write.

No comments:

Post a Comment