Tuesday, March 26, 2013

How You Know Your Spring Break Hotel is Sketchy

          For my 'ignorant-of-slang' readers, sketchy is defined as someone or something that just isn't right. I'm positive that I'm not the only one who has ever stayed in a sketchy hotel.  No matter how thorough you look through the website and the pictures, you'll never truly know how nice and safe the hotel is until you get there.  I was lucky (or unlucky) enough to get a front row look of a sketchy hotel when I stayed in one over spring break, so I would like to call myself a little bit of an expert.  Spring break for college students is the time for no classes, no stresses, and no worries.  Students usually run off of campus to start their planned getaways with their best friend or 'significant other', and some even skip the last day of classes with the hope that the few extra hours will bring them great joy. As college students, we are known to make rash decisions without actually thinking them through, and this can sometimes be seen in our hotel choices for spring break.  The average college student is broke; so finding the cheapest, yet nicest hotel to spend our time at can get a little difficult.  Sadly, I can't give you tips on what to look for before booking a room, but I can help you in identifying if your hotel was sketchy.  This is obviously not helpful in any aspect of life, but hopefully it'll bring a chuckle to your day.

*For each question that you answer yes, please add one point to your score*

1.  Did you find your check-in key in a sketchy place?
          Most hotels have you check-in at the front desk, and if this is the case then you have nothing to worry about.  However, if you go to the front door and there's a sign that says "Late-Night Check-Ins: Please Enter through Back Door".  Not that big of deal, but if you get to the back door and find your room key in an envelope taped to the back door; I would start to get worried about the sketchiness of the place you plan to stay.  I want to know: "What other sketchy places have you found your check-in key?" (Let me know in the comments)

2.  Did you find sketchy bugs of any kind?
          Thankfully, I did not have any bugs at my spring break hotel or I would have been sleeping in the car.  The prospect of having something crawl over my body while I am unconscious almost sounds like a form of sexual harassment when put in those words.  Don't fall victim to it!  It is not your fault; it is the hotel's.  Whether they are bed bugs, cockroaches, or even lady bugs, insects are meant to be outside!  Let's keep them there.

3.  Did you question taking your sketchy neighbor some Hall's or condoms?
          This is a weird subject to write about, and I'm trying not to burst out laughing during class, but this needs to be said.  Sure, hotels can't make every room sound-proof, but when you can hear that it takes your neighbor nine steps to get to the bathroom: it gets a little ridiculous   No matter how much I like animals, I'd rather fall asleep to silence instead of my neighbor sleep-talking about her many cats.  And I'm not even going to comment on why you might need to take condoms to your neighbor...

4.  Is your sketchy room dirty when you arrive?/Is it cleaned during the day while you're gone?
          If you arrive and your room is dirty, there are two things that could have happened.  #1: The maid forgot to clean your room.  #2: The maid decided not to clean your room.  Either way, both of these scenarios won't ease the anger in your body at the sight of your dirty room.  The point of going to a hotel is NOT having to clean, NOT having to wash the towels, and NOT having to make the bed.

5.  Does your room have a sketchy/peculiar/unpleasant smell?
          Here's my policy if a room smells bad: GET. OUT. NOW.  It's always a bad deal if you get a smoking room and you don't smoke, but it's even worse when you get a nonsmoking room and it still smells like a mixture of marijuana and old people.  Think about it: how can you sleep if it smells like you're sharing a room with Pumbaa (from The Lion King)?  Not only that, think about this: What in the world HAPPENED in this room to make it smell so bad?  I don't know where your imagination will take you, but hopefully it's enough for you to leave.

Scoring Levels:

If you answered yes to:

1-2 questions: Slightly Sketchy: You'll be fine staying there for a couple days.  Not all hotels are perfect.  I wouldn't worry about it too much.

3-4 questions: Sketchy Enough to Worry:  It matters on the severity of the issues, but you should be fine staying there.  However, I would advise not booking a room there in the future.

5 questions: Sketchville: Leave immediately... like now...

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